An article I did for Something You Said about the similarities to an addiction to the Olympics and an acid bender.
Sailing…even that looks tasty right now. I’m so hungry. Its like that Olympic torch is a massive fucking cone piece burning the sweetest sensimilla into my gasping lungs.
I like how genuine and well spoken the sailors are. Australia just won gold. Three in two days. The English reporters are patronizing us. ‘I’m sure you will be on the front page of every paper in Australia tomorrow’. Oh please. Other things happen in Australia other than sailors winning medals. Just because you have a sweet Olympic team does not mean you can treat us like Tunisia. We beat you in everything a decade ago and we’ll do it again. Now fuck off.
Speaking of fuck off, how about Usain Bolt. He is fuck off fast isn’t he? I like the fact that Jamaican people are the fastest people in the world. Bolt is so good that I am scared if he does get this trial at Man U that he will end up being the greatest footballer of all time. He is the Kanye of athletics. I want to hate him but he is just too good.
One thing I did hear about Usain Bolt is that he has fifteen advisors. What the fuck does Usain Bolt need fifteen advisors for? I can see him having an agent, a manager, a few coaches, a media advisor, a couple of security guards, a few homies and some crumpet, but I don’t see what he needs fifteen advisors for.
There is far too much of a break between events in the Decathlon. Yeah I get they are the masters of Track & Field but there is no need for the break. They should do one thing after another. The break makes them look weak.
There is a melancholy to the Track and Field events at the Olympics. A melancholy which comes from the fact that the Track and Field not only represents the fastest and most skilled on a dry, outdoor surface, but the final week of the Olympic Games. It’s the business end of the season. It is the climax of the action movie. The volcano scene in You Only Live Twice. The penalty shootout at the end of England v Argentina at France 98. I need to get my fix before my dealer dies and turns into Underbelly. I don’t care what I watch. Water polo is okay with me. The more synchronized swimming the better. Field Hockey? It’ll have to do. Just give it to me. I’m a fiend yo. Give me that sugar.
When the Olympics end things are going to be more normal. Diving will be associated with depression and self-pity instead of grace and precision. Gold will represent a witty remark rather than a nation uniting achievement. Its how things are supposed to be.
Things are real silly at the moment but it’s going to be over soon. Either enjoy it while it lasts or shut the fuck up. This is the time for glory. Either link up or shut up. See you next week..
I’m writing this from my couch while semi-watching Andy Murray vs. Roger Federer battle it out for the Men’s Tennis gold medal. Although this is just one of the many medal events at London 2012 it is also, perhaps, one of the most significant for the host nation. As I write Murray is up one set to love and 2-0 up in the second set. Less than a month ago Federer beat Murray in the Wimbledon final but now, the day after perhaps the most glorious day for British sport since England lifted the Football World Cup in 1966, Andy Murray is all over R-Fed and if it keeps going like this Great Britain will have another gold medal to add to the tally. Federer is playing like he is scared. Scared of Murray. Scared of the crowd. Scared of Britain. If Federer, who is probably the greatest man to have ever played the sport, wins this, I will be extremely surprised. I will also be pretty disappointed.
Unlike us Aussies, the British don’t really know what glory feels like these days. It’s been nearly half a century since anything like this has happened to them.
They won three gold medals on Saturday night. I remember the jubilation of Sydney 2000 when we smashed those arrogant American closet gay frat boys in the pool then the next week had Cathy Freeman make history in the 400m.
As a kid living in Sydney, the Olympics were the first time I really felt any sense of pride about where I am from and who we are as a people. After the Olympics ended we won a whole bunch of other shit too. We also didn’t go into recession, live in Wolverhampton or have any riots that lasted longer than a day. The British deserve this. Probably a lot more than we did.
Wimbledon is a sea of Union Jack’s. The crowd seem to be more confident that their boy can get up against the same opponent who outclassed him less than a month ago. At the beginning of the third set Murray is up 6-2 6-1. Its an absolute bloodbath, The sun is shining and Great Britain no longer look like sad old rockers reliving past glories. They are vibrant, proud and looking forward to the future. It’s like Cool Britannia but with more energy and less cocaine.
Third set. 5-4. Murray has won the first point, Federer the second. Murray with an ace makes it 30-15. Holy shit! Another ace! 40-15! Can he do it? Can Andy Murray win a Gold Medal at the Olympics? He hasn’t won a grand slam title before. Just 28 days ago he lost to Federer in the Wimbledon final.
Ace. Against the odds, Andy Murray wins another gold for Team GB.
I am so happy there is a nation of people experiencing the sheer joy we had in 2000. In recent years the UK have been through some serious shit, both in the real world and in the realm of sport. London 2012 not only represents a period of great success in the sporting history of Great Britain but a turning point on how the rest of the world see this small yet prolific country.
I cant tell if Andy Murray is naturally a super relaxed guy or he is just completely overwhelmed by what he has just done that he has forgotten how to express emotion. One thing is for sure this has been one of the moments of London 2012 for me.
Now what to do for the 5 hours before Usain Bolt?
I know that the Olympics have only been going for a few days but one thing is becoming pretty clear to me. Australian sport aint what it used to be.
At work tonight we had the (supremely shitty) Channel 9 Olympic coverage on. Channels 9 have decided to fuck off all the interesting contests and sports to just focus on what the Australians are doing. Tonight we got a little bit of swimming, some kayaking, a few minutes of boxing, a nice helping of water polo and a proper drenching in the diving pool. The once mighty Australia got beaten in everything except the water polo where last time I checked we were winning against the water polo powerhouse that is Kazakhstan. It was some shameful shit. Our boxing hopeful was some Ginger Meggs look alike who took an absolute hiding from some Cuban kid. We were completely outclassed in the pool and the diving was wicked embarrassing to watch. When did Mexico becoming a stronger diving nation than us? Why is this happening? *
*Note: I have no idea about the world of diving but as an Australian who grew up in the land of plenty where we ate what we wanted and won everything all the time, I feel we should be better at synchronized diving than a country who are in the grips of a civil war between the army and a bunch of drug cartels. Just saying. That being said, I have seen Fun In Acapulco with Elvis Presley a few times and it turns out Mexico has some of the finest al fresco divers in the world, so what the hell do I know?
What really shat me off about 9’s coverage of The Games of the Thirtieth Olympiad was how much time they have dedicated to fucking equestrian. Apparently Australia were doing okay in it so the good clueless folk down at Channel 9 thought they would dedicate hours upon hours of air time towards a sport only rich white cunts like. Prince William and his sweet thang were in the fucking audience! Its good to know where your priorities lie 9. I understand you are all a bunch of rich, white, racist evil pieces of shit but please just for one hour play us some fucking gymnastics because equestrian is fucking BORING.
I do want to give massive props to China who seem to have prepared well for the event. It’s great how all the years of manufacturing perfect specimen in secret labs in the Himalayas then grooming them to excel in one thing for the rest of their lives has paid off. Is that what we did with Shane Warne? I really hope we did.
Speaking of Warnie, we suck at cricket too now. And rugby. We have Mark Webber and Casey Stoner but they drive things so they don’t count. We don’t have shit for sporting heroes these days but these things come and go like an ovarian cycle or the sound of an ice cream truck on a summers day. We had it for too good for too long and now we are just like everyone else. Shithouse. Someone in this country either needs to start winning something or we need to start a war with someone. Either way it cant go on for too long, people are gonna start getting upset.
Oh just one other thing, Black Caviar is a fucking horse. For people to get excited over a horse is mega retarded. If you have instigated more than three conversations with people about Black Caviar you are either a problem gambler or a moron of such epic proportions you should probably never talk or operate any basic machinery ever again. Peace.
I think I have just witnessed perhaps the most incredible, mind-bending spectacle I have ever witnessed in all my years watching TV. I think I need to pinch myself just to make sure I am still living in reality. I think I just witnessed an Olympic Opening Ceremony which didn’t suck.
Last night I was all ‘nah fuck it I’m not getting up at 5am to watch the opening ceremony’. My girlfriend’s mum recorded it anyway and we got up and started watching it at the very civilized hour of 10am. Perhaps the coffee and decent nights sleep contributed to my enjoyment of this event. I really don’t know what it was but they fucking nailed it.
Lets start with the performance at the beginning. I believe they were going for a timeline of British history. There were people dancing around in fields and playing cricket on the village green. Village girls in frocks prancing around picking flowers or whatever it is they did pre-industrial revolution. That was all very nice and quaint. All of a sudden these enormous drums started. The village greens started disappearing and huge towers were being built to the soundtrack of machine gun drums and gigantic choirs. Milton’s Paradise Lost got a few minutes. Molten steel was being oozed around the middle of the stadium with workers (dancers) bashing it into the shape of the Olympic rings. I know my quick capsule review of this doesn’t do it justice but it was all very spectacular. When I say spectacular I mean it in the nicest possible way, not in a Rock Eisteddfod schools spectacular kind of way.
It wasn’t just a big celebration of Industry. Chicks got some bigups too with a section of the performance dedicated to the Suffragettes. This was partly to signify that the UK invented freethinking ladies and also that the Saudi’s have found it in themselves to let a woman be an Olympian. This massive backflip by the Saudis means now all countries have at least one female competitor which is crazy considering its 2012 and Australia have had women competing in the Olympics for over a century.
There was a bit about World War 1 which was super epic. A bit where a whole bunch of people dressed up as The Beatles came out and marched around as if to say ‘hey look, The Beatles were from England’. Then a whole bunch of black guys with suitcases danced out onto the arena symbolizing West Indian immigration to the UK. This part of the performance was a super expensive choreographed timeline of selected parts of English history. It was a visual banquet and executed with incredible precision and taste.
Act two involves a video of Daniel Craig playing James Bond going to Buckingham Palace to pick up the Queen and bring her to the stadium. After watching the entire opening ceremony I have now decided I really don’t like the Queen and I think she is a total bitch. She wasn’t very nice to James Bond and when the entire Great Britain team marched out she was seen frowning and looking at her fingernails. Seriously, if you don’t want to be there give the job to Charles. He wants it, you don’t. Simple.
Anyway the James Bond bit was cool because it showed the world the beauty and energy of London in the summertime while 007 & QE2 fly above the city in a chopper. It was silly but a bit of fun at the same time.
Now here is where things start to get a bit juicy. I started to get the impression that perhaps this wasn’t just a performance showing the world that Great Britain was still a strong nation but it was also a proper ‘fuck you’ to America. There was literally a song and dance about the NHS with the voiceover (read off a script by our own Eddie Maguire) explaining that no country can leave a sick person untreated and call themselves civilized. This was only one example throughout the entire opening ceremony where I got a sense that American attitudes and values were being targeted in the name of fair play, good times, Englishness and the Olympics. As someone who finds a lot of American attitudes repulsive and a poor representation on humanity I found this underlying message refreshing.
Later on in the ceremony after all the Mary Poppins, JK Rowing, Mike Oldfield, Mr. Bean, Chariots Of Fire kiddie bullshit came the celebration of youth culture in the UK. There was a narrative about a girl who loses her phone and then some dude finds it and gives it back to her and they start making out (which is just Britain telling the world that their girls are proper easy). The narrative and dance routine incorporates British pop music from the 60’s to today. The Beatles, The Who, Bowie, Zeppelin, Sex Pistols, New Order, Happy Mondays, The Prodigy, Underworld, Blur and a live performance by Dizzee Rascal all featured. Also I might be wrong but I swear all the performers were taking photos and texting off iPhone 5’s. I assume what they were trying to say is that nobody comes close to Britain in the realm of pop music. Oh and they later said they invented the Internet. How d’ya like them apples America?
After the hyperactive orgy of ‘yoof culture’ there was a hymn dedicated to the absent spectators who should have been there and then a dance number about dead children which was a total downer and really didn’t need to happen. For all its depressing qualities it was still brilliantly done and didn’t really look out of place.
Now that they had bummed out about 3 billion people I think they assumed this would be a good time to bring the athletes out. I got my fashionista on to pass judgment on the uniforms so here are some selections. I fast-forwarded from D-U though so sorry about that (perhaps if I was being paid for this I would have watched it all but Sophie had to go to Brazilian BBQ and I had to write this before it became old news).
Australia – Naff but not as naff as the uniforms have been in the past. Lauren Jackson is a bit of a fox for a total genetic freak of nature.
Albania – All looked like weightlifters and pickpockets.
American Samoa – Dressed like they were at some APEC summit.
Aruba – 1980’s Cabin Crew.
Angola – Lovely.
Argentina – Looked very blue and didn’t get booed which was nice.
Bahrain – Aladdin swag.
Barbados – Egg yellow shirts and orange ties. Like a boss.
Bhutan – Well snazzy.
Brazil – Nice pants/skirts. Cabin crew potential.
Bulgaria – Insane!
Cameroon – Their uniforms look like they were made from pop tarts and candy.
Canada – Boring.
Central African Republic – Nice bowties.
China – I want one of those jackets.
USA – Look very nice in a psychotic kind of way.
Great Britain – Looked like 80’s Elton John but on more cocaine and less shame.
Anyway there were flying bikes, Arctic Monkeys, lovely speeches and Mohammad Ali reminding us all about the dangers of being punched in the head for a living. The multiple person torch lighting was nice too.
The whole ceremony was done fantastically well by some clearly very talented and organized people. I love how proud the English can still be after everything (going broke, losing the empire, David Cameron, getting rained on all day) and how they still know how to make Americans look retarded.
Now let the games begin!
Tonight I went over to my Uncles house. His fiancée made a really amazing Indonesian meal. We drank nice wine and did shots of Patron. Really lovely night. I also did something tonight I had never done before. I watched The Voice.
It was the season finale and (uncle) Pete informed me that 70% of the TV watching nation would be watching this ‘landmark television event’. I had only ever seen this show on mute while at work and didn’t really have an opinion. From what I knew someone thought it would be a brilliant idea to dust off Delta Goodrem, fly out the revolting Seal and Joel Madden and for once give Keith Urban the opportunity to be the biggest sick cunt in the room.
Before I watched The Voice I really didn’t like any of these artists other than Seal who I have a bit more time for because of Crazy and Kiss From A Rose. I actually thought Delta Goodrem had died of cancer but then when I said this to someone they angrily told me she had survived. I never liked Good Charlotte as I’m not a mentally ill twelve-year-old girl from Albury-Wadonga. Keith Urban once ruined my day as I was rushing to get to work and Pitt St mall was closed off because he felt the need to perform a free show ‘for the kidz’ outside Westfield Centrepoint. I had to walk around the block which took an extra three minutes. Fuckhead.
So as we sit down to watch the show I learn there are four contestants who have been coached by these four douchebags. There is the token old guy with a kid who has always dreamt of Damien Leith-esque Superstardom. The suburban bimbo chick with the ‘cool’ hair who was teaching music to Primary School children but seems to have always dreamt of performing live to a room full of..um..Primary School children. The blind girl who they dress up as Shirley Temple for some sick reason while Delta steals the spotlight and finally the plain looking girl who has been to hell and back with a voice that can melt the average Aussies heart..Or something to that effect.
These four starry eyed singers had spent the last few months competing for the hearts and minds of the Australian public but there could only be one winner.
Of course before they announced the winner they all sang. They opened with a version of a song I actually really like. Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain. All four hopefuls on a stage fucking the original track like cocaine fucked Stevie Nicks original nasal septum. So much emotion but all of it seeming as real as a strippers fingernails. They then did duets with their coaches which would have been lovely had I had no taste and given a shit. There were video montages (of course) showing each contestants ‘journey’ from white trash to white trash with record deals. A whole bunch of other stuff which I forget because I was busy bonding with my family, then they announced the winners.
Fourth place went to the chick with the hair. Third place went to the poor little blind girl with the heart of gold. Second place went to the Dad who seemed to have a massive hard on for Keith Urban. The winner was the one with the generic soul voice who kept talking about the time she lived in the shelter.
What I don’t get though is how did this show become so popular? From watching the finale what I gather from it is that is a slightly tweaked version of every other TV talent show that has been made over the last decade. If this show could capture the hearts and minds of a nation we are in big fucking trouble. Greek style trouble. If 80% of the nation watched season 2 the Germans will be bailing us out in like three weeks from the premier. Scary stuff.
Now before you start calling me a prick for not falling in love with the evil blind girl or rooting for the old guy because he didn’t use a rubber please understand I am not used to watching this program or any programs like this. I live in a world where some of the most dedicated and talented musicians I know are lucky to get a gig at the metro supporting The Vines. I know people have been making this point since Pop Idol shows first started happening but how can something have so much emotion and absolutely no soul? It’s an amazing thing, yet the nation embraces it to the point that these chumps all make the charts with their crappy records.
So if you watched this season and you were entertained then that’s great. It’s your time to kick back and do what you want. But next year when it starts all over again maybe instead of watching this show (which I can officially certify as poison) maybe listen to one of your albums. Actually listen to Fleetwood Mac instead of these suburban gobshites butchering them. Life is better that way.
Oh and also whoever is dressing Seal is a funny bastard. He looks like an absolute clown yet carries on like its still 1993 and he can get his dick sucked in any room he walks into. Bravo! If you see me around introduce yourself and I’ll buy you a beer. Great job!
Well I have had a fucking nightmare of a week. I wont go into details but basically this blog has become something I really haven’t had the energy to invest in. Life can be crazy sometimes and sometimes you only have yourself to blame.
Fortunately things seem to be getting back on track.
So tomorrow I attend my first proper production meeting for our upcoming football chat show called FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL! Nick, the shows lead anchor and spiritual guru has some experience in broadcasting. Him and Ben (the other anchor) have a fantastic radio show on 2SER Sydney. They talk about local music, have great banter and take the piss out of ultra serious musos. It’s refreshing considering that the music world is either full of arse-kissers or haters. This is a show which exposes music people work hard on and should be heard yet they still manage to have fun with it.
Anyway..This new Internet TV show and website will feature me as a semi regular guest/presenter, writer and pundit. It’s a dream come true. I have always thought being a sportscaster would be pretty cool and that is why we are doing it. We don’t have a budget or anything like that but we have some good people working on this project which we hope will add something new to the world of light sports entertainment. If we can all get rich from it too that would be tops*.
*Note: Its football so it’s ok to sell out.
I watch a fair bit of football as anyone who knows me or reads this blog would know already. The football doesn’t just stop when the final whistle is blown either. Any true obsessive will have at least two main websites bookmarked which they check several times a day. For me it is Football365, BBC and ESPN Soccernet. Football365 mainly covers English Premier League football (my main footballing interest) and they possess some of the finest writers in the game. One of their main writers, Nick Miller, is a very insightful guy who is worth at least one LOL per paragraph. He is also one of the reasons I started writing again and that kind of humorous way of discussing football is something the team behind FFF will be keeping in mind when it comes time to write some shit.
BBC is obviously a bit drier but as they are the BBC everything is up to date and accurate. The same can be said for ESPN.
There are also the bloggers. Andrew Thomas does a fantastic job on his Twisted Blood blog. Another Nick Miller kind of character, he knows his shit and he is funny. When you read that blog you feel he is talking to you over a beer and you aren’t getting some kind of minute-by-minute yawnfest report. There are a whole bunch of other blogs I read on a semi regular basis but Twisted Blood is probably the main one. There are also many people on twitter that have opinions worth listening to.
Where am I going with this? Well I am now starting to freak out a bit because although I do spend a lot of my day reading about football, watching football, talking about football and thinking about football, from tomorrow I will have to do the exact same thing but 10x more than I am now. Nick and I have just purchased footballfootballfootball.com.au and every day I will be required to write at least 2,000 words on what is going on in the world of football. There will be no time for personal dramas and five-day benders. I must now stay on the straight and narrow not just because it’s good for me but because football needs me to.
I wont be doing this alone. We will have regular contributors offering their expert opinions from laptops all over Sydney. In saying that we now have to run a frequently updated football website and write, record and edit a weekly TV show funded simply by our love for the game and our dreams of Internet stardom. Hard work awaits.
So friends, when everything is up please watch the show. Tell your friends. If you don’t find it funny pretend that you do and post it on Facebook. If you do find it funny and you know someone who wants to give us money to do it, hook us up.
In the meantime. Sit back and take in the world before FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL. Shit is about to change.