“Did you hear that Oscar Pistorius has a brother called Ray who is on a sexual assault charge? Rapist-orius! It’s a joke, get it?” Joe the cabbie was a ranter. He loved talking about girls but I don’t think he knows much about them. He was porky and Mediterranean and drove me really slowly from Paddo to Dully. It went down like this.

“Man what a fall from grace. He was all the way up at the top and now he’s down the bottom, he’ll spend ten years in a South African jail. Fuck being in a South African jail. South Africa is fucked. It was OK when the whites ran it but now, since the blacks took over, the whole place has gone to shit. They used to have good mines. Diamonds and shit. Now the blacks took over they can mine anything for shit. Their farms don’t work. They aren’t effective.”

What does that have to do with Pistorius?

“He’ll just be some poor white guy in a jail over there getting bashed by black cunts for the rest of his life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for him. He shouldn’t have killed his woman. Did you even see her? She was hot. For a bloke with no real legs he did well getting her. If I had that woman I’d do anything she’d ask me to do. I would lick her feet, eat her arsehole..Anything.”

Yeah..

“African chicks man, some of them are too attractive. They are like white girls. The South Africans anyway. They are like white girls with good suntans. The only problem is their men don’t like them associating with white guys. I know this chick from Ghana who I have been trying it on with. She’s nice and everything but when the black guys see you with a black woman they stare at you like they want to kill you. Fuck, you know? Is it worth getting smashed in the face just to have sex with some black girl? Have you seen how big black men’s cocks are? Why would you go through all that just to end up fucking a chick who probably has some huge, stretched out vagina. I’d much rather root some white girl with a normal sized vagina or even an Asian. At least they are nice and tight. African chicks are hot sometimes but you are taking too much of a risk. Not just with getting bashed and shit but with diseases. African guys cheat on their women all the time and basically have five girlfriends who they visit every day and they root ‘em and leave their spoof inside them. That’s why there is so much AIDS over there because of all the men who root them without condoms. People in Africa don’t even use condoms. I don’t think Americans do either.”

Yeah..

“But this Ghanese chick man, I could root her and probably all her friends but I don’t want to get bashed and I don’t want to be at risk of getting AIDS or even Ebola or anything. You know that Ebola virus Africans have? That is the worst. I don’t know anyone who has it but it’s really dangerous and it kills people, in particular people in Africa.”

I had it once and it was kind of like a heavy cold..

“Are you serious?”

Um..No.

“Ohh, good one. Which way do you want to go?”

The quickest way

“OK. I want a white girl because I am white. If I had a black girl there is only a 50/50 chance of the kid turning out ok. Black kids have a vacant look in their eye, kind of like they are missing something.”

Like what?

“I don’t know, it’s like they are born cold. They don’t care about anything except getting chicks.”

Hmm. Yeah..Look just pull up here..Credit thanks.

“No worries, but yeah, that Pistorius is so guilty..He doesn’t have a leg to stand on! Get it?”

I love that joke..

It’s been a while but now I’m back… For anyone that would like to read any of my October-December output on Intertoto Magazine here are some links.

Dec 10- Media Ashes, 2DayFM Scandal

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/12/10/media-ashes-the-2dayfm-prank-call-mess/

Nov 29- Getting Home From Auburn

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/29/getting-home-from-auburn/

Nov 22- Starting A Race Riot In The Name of Art

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/22/starting-a-race-riot-in-the-name-of-art/

Nov 20- Nakagin Interview

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/20/interview-nakagin/

Nov 18- Skyfall Review

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/18/skyfall-review/

Nov 11- MCM: A French Rap Education For An Australian Kid

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/11/mcm-a-french-rap-education-for-an-australian-kid/

Nov 7- Election 2012: 3.5 Stars

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/07/election-2012-3-5-stars/

Nov 5- Why The Melbourne Cup Makes Me Hate Australia

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/05/why-the-melbourne-cup-makes-me-hate-australia/

Nov 5- The Tale Of Tila Tequila And Her Tin Foil Hat

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/11/05/the-tale-of-tila-tequila-and-her-tin-foil-hat/

Oct 31- The Un-Necessary Cash Grab Killing Facebook

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/10/31/the-un-necessary-cash-grab-killing-facebook/

October 30- The Finer Things In Life: Tim Snape

http://intertotomagazine.com/2012/10/30/the-finer-things-in-life-tim-snape/

I remember when I was a kid in the 90s growing up in Howard’s Australia. Shit was pretty normal I guess. Boring, yes. But normal. Summers were hot, winters were chilly, the telly was shit and Alan Jones was on it every morning at twenty past seven. In millions of homes around the country this hate-filled, sweaty toilet lurker had a soapbox in which to give his two cents on pretty much anything from foreigners to dole bludgers. For many people it was the first thing they heard when they woke up. A scary thought but obviously an important contributor to Howard staying in government for eleven and a half years. For many years Jones was a key player in the Tory propaganda machine. He had an audience who were still young enough to not seem senile and a government and TV network backing him to the hilt. For ‘Jonesy’ life was good.

I guess shit kinda changed..

With his recent comment about Julia Gillard’s father dying of shame, Alan Jones seems to have made a massive tit of himself and those who have been there to back him up in the past seem to be jumping ship. He isn’t the Orwellian colossus he was in the 90’s with seemingly only the elderly and mentally challenged still listening to him. Some of his sponsors seem to have had enough and have pulled out of any endorsement deals they have with him. Why wouldn’t they? Being associated with Alan Jones is a bad look. In my humble opinion being associated with Alan Jones is second only to being associated with Dennis Ferguson, Australia’s most hated paedophile. I’d rather Ivan Milat endorse my store than Alan Jones, at least the store wouldn’t be full of dirty backpackers.

The longevity of Jones’ message of conservative hatred is impressive. You would think after getting your cock out for a male undercover cop (and getting arrested for it) you wouldn’t get the chance to be Australian radio’s number one voice on decency and morality, but that’s how conservatives work. They hate gays if said gays are out and proud and happy but they tolerate them in positions of power if they are indulging in buggery with rent boys in secret locations like the back of Alan Jones’ Bentley or on top of Jones’ $65,000 glass top coffee table. Alan Jones is gay and everyone knows it but he has never come out, presumably because it would hurt his ratings with backwards, retarded Australia (ie his entire audience). He could probably give himself a little bit of public credibility if he came out and became a voice for LGBT rights in this country but, no, not his style. He will take his ‘secret’ to the grave because ultimately he prefers having power over the uneducated masses than being known as another name on the long list of homosexual conservative ex-talkback hosts. He had a voice when his LGBT brothers and sisters needed one and instead pushed an agenda of a political party who already had several other talkback hosts in their pocket. Great job!

His vendetta against the current government is nothing new. He didn’t like Rudd either and before that he couldn’t stand Keating (‘how dare there be a man in Sydney with more style than me!’) Alan Jones probably has some weird Freudian thing going on where he hates the fact that a woman is running the country and will make every cheap shot he can to bring her down. Hell, we all know people like that, right? They’re the people who don’t like Gillard because they ‘wouldn’t fuck her’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge fan of Julia Gillard. I still long for Kevin Rudd but I have to let that one go. Some guys just hate Gillard because she’s female. Jones is a closet homosexual who happens to be a right wing talk back radio host. He’s not the first.

It is this inability to get with the times that is killing Alan Jones. He could say and do whatever he wanted when Howard was in charge simply because, well, Howard was in charge. Howard’s Australia seems like an eternity ago. We were good at sport, ate Sunblest and gay marriage was a punch line rather than a serious political issue. Australia accepted Jones’s bullshit more back then but now he just seems like a gay version of Clint Eastwood in the first half hour of Gran Torino. He’s a relic of an Australia that doesn’t really exist anymore.

Whatever happens to Jones and his show only the future can tell but one thing is for sure, the dream is over. The media have shafted him now and the liberal party are going to have to follow suit sooner or later in order to at least seem in touch with the electorate.

I just hope that after his accidental death from auto-erotic asphyxiation he doesn’t get a state funeral. But let’s face it, he probably will.

Reblogged from Something You Said:

Yesterday I heard that Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickelback, Chad Kroger were engaged. A friend of mine tweeted that he hopes Chad beats the shit out of her when they get married. I was going to retweet but felt it would be inappropriate and wouldn’t send the right message to my legions of female fans. It got me thinking about how these two frightfully disgusting, Canadian, pieces of human garbage met, what they do together and what the chemistry is like between them.

I don’t really know much about either of them other than they make shit music, they are from Canada and they are famous. I haven’t heard much Nickelback but from what I have heard their songs are all about being sorry for giving Chad’s wife/girlfriend a hiding because she disrespected him. I haven’t heard an Avril Lavigne song in several years but while taking a shit a few months ago I read an interview with her in Rolling Stone. She may be, and I know this is a big call; the dullest entertainer this century has produced. She makes Reece Mastin look like Salvador Dali. Her interview was about how she got dumped by that chump from Sum 41 and how her new album is all acoustic or something. Apparently she likes cooking too.

So yeah I was thinking about how they met. They were probably in a VIP section at the Canadian Music Awards or something and they were sitting alone, surrounded by security guards. They got to talking about how hard it is being the most famous people Canada has ever produced. They are even more famous than Terrence AND Phillip put together. They are probably even more famous than the entire cast of Degrassi. Drake isn’t on their radar as he is (kinda) black and Avril and Chad are massive racists. Anyway they are at this party and they refuse to talk to anyone. Avril being a washed up groupie of the lowest order goes up to Chad and says ‘wooo Chad! Howareya? This place sucks don’t it?’ Chad, freshly shaven and fancying himself a bit goes ‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’ ‘It’s me! Avril!’ ‘Oh yeah, hey Avril. Things ain’t good. Everyone hates me. I’m an alcoholic, I beat up women and write songs about how shit I feel afterwards, my band are awful and I fall asleep to the sound of my own overtly masculine screams. But hey, I’m still famous.’ Avril replies; ‘hey that’s a damn shame Chad, at least you still got your fame. I haven’t had a song on the radio in like 8 years. Alanis Morrisette won’t even pick up my calls. I’ll tell you what though, I can still suck a front man’s dick like a champ, how about it hun?’

Anyway yada yada yada, now they are engaged. They will probably have kids too. They will call the kids Chad Jnr and Alanis and they will live in a big ol’ mansion in Hollywood where they will spit at the Mexican help while they make sweet love on their Canadian flag bed spread.

I hope Chad resists the temptation to beat her up. These two, although scum, are made for each other and a domestic violence incident may be a hindrance to a potentially beautiful union.

There is someone out there for everyone. Remember that people. If you are alone in the world like poor old Chad Kroger just know that your Avril is out there somewhere. She could be working at Donut King, maybe at KFC, but she’s out there.

Goodnight lovers.

So lately I haven’t really been keeping my finger on the pulse of what the ‘yoof’ be listening to. I have been too busy watching football, getting fat and working for the man. I’m not proud of it but fuck, I’m 27 years old and haven’t really done much with my life so I suppose now is the time. Anyway, tonight I have been trawling the Internet watching music videos and all that. These are some of the things I like at the moment.

Charli XCX – Nuclear Seasons

I know this came out a little while ago but its been stuck in my head for ages and I really like the video. Her voice is really infectious and reminds me of my old comrade Aleesha Dibbs. The production is immaculate and I like how the vocal turns into synth and the synth turns into vocal. Cool trick that. I follow this girl on twitter and she seems pretty down to earth. I heard she is currently supporting Coldplay in America…you should still listen to her song though.

Grimes – Genesis

This shit just came out a few hours ago. Suck on that.

Hopsin – Ill Mind Of Hopsin IV

My boy Marc ‘Long John’ Silvers showed me this video a few weeks ago. It blew my fucking mind. I’m told this guy has been in his parents basement for like fifteen years perfecting his craft and he dropped this last year. Pretty solid statement. Dude is like Busta, Minaj, Tyler (sorry Hopsin) and Missy but he is some acne scarred 28 year old in drag. Sick cunt. He has principles, is fucked up and he’s perhaps one of the most skilled rappers in the game. Sweet clip too.

Freddie Gibbs/Madlib – Shame

Anything Madlib touches seems to be perfect and this is no exception. This video is the sequel to the ‘Thuggin’ single which was the first Freddie Gibbs thing I had ever heard. Gibbs is like an indie 2pac living in a time where MTV isn’t a necessity. Shame flows in and out of old soul samples like Madlib is flipping through radio stations. He eventually finds the one he is looking for and BOOM! Most glorious hook I have heard in ages.

Quakers – Fitta Happier

Geoff Barrow and Katalyst produced this so of course it’s going to be amazing. They took the bass line from Radiohead’s ‘National Anthem’ and brassed the shit out of it. I’m a little pissed off I didn’t think of that to be honest. Fuck those guys. Seriously everything Geoff Barrow does is incredible. I’m not going to call him a genius because that word is thrown around way too much about musicians BUT he is extremely talented, has a great ear and seems to be an absolute badass. This track also features Guilty Simpson and MED which is a good thing.

So there you have it. My first new music blog. I have become one of the many sad pieces of shit with nothing better to write about than the pop music I am currently listening to. Come back next week when I will post photos of every meal I have eaten for the last week. Until then..

The Olympic Comedown.

What the fuck is wrong with people? In 2012 Channel 9 feels the need to make Big Brother and people watch it? Goddammit. They must be so fucking proud of themselves. ‘Oh great job guys! The ratings are through the roof!’ Fuck you and fuck your ratings. There was nobody in Australia going ‘Jeez I wish they still made Big Brother. That show was great.’ Didn’t fucking happen. They went and made it anyway and people are fucking watching it!

It’s all over twitter. A whole bunch of people talking about how lame the new season of Big Brother is. What the fuck were you expecting? It’s Big Brother. A show which hasn’t had any edge for a decade.

I guess you just wanted to see what the housemates were like. I haven’t even watched it but I could guess there are a few dumb girls who are kinda pretty, a dumb fat girl, a lesbian or gay guy, some kind of minority, a farmer, a yuppie and a dude with zany hair or piercings or both. Am I wrong? I bet I’m not.

I hate the fact Channel 9 seems to get away with doing this shit. I mean they obviously have an audience (white, stupid, potentially racist) but fuck. They produce nothing of worth anymore. Underbelly is their idea of a quality drama. Yeah, great job guys. I remember the season where Matthew Newton (!) was the star. They had a scene where he was at passport control at an airport where he was trying to smuggle heroin. It’s set in the 70s but old Girl Basher Newton pulls out a red British passport. If they had bothered to do maybe, ummm, five seconds of research then they would have known that British Passports were blue in the 70s. But who the fuck cares when your audience will just swallow whatever you ejaculate on a nightly basis.

I am semi curious about this show about Kerry Packer and the birth of one-day cricket. It’s an interesting story and I would love to see how they do it. I have a terrible feeling though, like everything else Channel 9 seem to make it will be factually incorrect, badly acted horseshit. Still at least they are doffing their dunce hat to their old boss Kerry. At least when Kerry was running shit Channel 9 had a soul. He used to care about what went on his TV Channel. Now the place is run by bean counters and venture capitalists who only care about profits. If costs can be cut they will cut them. This is why they are making Big Brother. It’s cheap. Underbelly probably costs a bit more to make than Big Brother but it still looks cheap. Every season of Underbelly except the first one reminds me of ‘high quality’ porn. Bits of plot and violence squeezed in between a pair of huge fake tits. It’s hardly The Sopranos. It’s not even The Bill.

Channel 9 do still have the Cricket and Rugby League, which is nice. They have to have something worth watching. I can’t imagine they will be able to hang onto those sports for much longer though. It’s not their style. They have already pissed all over Kerry Packers beloved station, I bet they end up selling his beloved cricket to Channel 7 just so they can afford to keep Karl Stephanovic and Michael Slater in cocaine and Hugo Boss for a few more years. The Cricket and Rugby League (and for the last fortnight, the Olympics) are the only reason why I would watch Channel 9. When they get hocked I imagine nobody except the dangerously germophobic, xenophobic and mentally ill will even know it still exists because they will NEVER get rid of A Current Affair.

Until then, enjoy Big Brother Australia. You’ve waited long enough..

Sailing…even that looks tasty right now. I’m so hungry. Its like that Olympic torch is a massive fucking cone piece burning the sweetest sensimilla into my gasping lungs.

I like how genuine and well spoken the sailors are. Australia just won gold. Three in two days. The English reporters are patronizing us. ‘I’m sure you will be on the front page of every paper in Australia tomorrow’. Oh please. Other things happen in Australia other than sailors winning medals. Just because you have a sweet Olympic team does not mean you can treat us like Tunisia. We beat you in everything a decade ago and we’ll do it again. Now fuck off.

Speaking of fuck off, how about Usain Bolt. He is fuck off fast isn’t he? I like the fact that Jamaican people are the fastest people in the world. Bolt is so good that I am scared if he does get this trial at Man U that he will end up being the greatest footballer of all time. He is the Kanye of athletics. I want to hate him but he is just too good.

One thing I did hear about Usain Bolt is that he has fifteen advisors. What the fuck does Usain Bolt need fifteen advisors for? I can see him having an agent, a manager, a few coaches, a media advisor, a couple of security guards, a few homies and some crumpet, but I don’t see what he needs fifteen advisors for.

There is far too much of a break between events in the Decathlon. Yeah I get they are the masters of Track & Field but there is no need for the break. They should do one thing after another. The break makes them look weak.

There is a melancholy to the Track and Field events at the Olympics. A melancholy which comes from the fact that the Track and Field not only represents the fastest and most skilled on a dry, outdoor surface, but the final week of the Olympic Games. It’s the business end of the season. It is the climax of the action movie. The volcano scene in You Only Live Twice. The penalty shootout at the end of England v Argentina at France 98. I need to get my fix before my dealer dies and turns into Underbelly. I don’t care what I watch. Water polo is okay with me. The more synchronized swimming the better. Field Hockey? It’ll have to do. Just give it to me. I’m a fiend yo. Give me that sugar.

When the Olympics end things are going to be more normal. Diving will be associated with depression and self-pity instead of grace and precision. Gold will represent a witty remark rather than a nation uniting achievement. Its how things are supposed to be.

Things are real silly at the moment but it’s going to be over soon. Either enjoy it while it lasts or shut the fuck up. This is the time for glory. Either link up or shut up. See you next week..

I’m writing this from my couch while semi-watching Andy Murray vs. Roger Federer battle it out for the Men’s Tennis gold medal. Although this is just one of the many medal events at London 2012 it is also, perhaps, one of the most significant for the host nation. As I write Murray is up one set to love and 2-0 up in the second set. Less than a month ago Federer beat Murray in the Wimbledon final but now, the day after perhaps the most glorious day for British sport since England lifted the Football World Cup in 1966, Andy Murray is all over R-Fed and if it keeps going like this Great Britain will have another gold medal to add to the tally. Federer is playing like he is scared. Scared of Murray. Scared of the crowd. Scared of Britain. If Federer, who is probably the greatest man to have ever played the sport, wins this, I will be extremely surprised. I will also be pretty disappointed.

Unlike us Aussies, the British don’t really know what glory feels like these days. It’s been nearly half a century since anything like this has happened to them.

They won three gold medals on Saturday night. I remember the jubilation of Sydney 2000 when we smashed those arrogant American closet gay frat boys in the pool then the next week had Cathy Freeman make history in the 400m.

As a kid living in Sydney, the Olympics were the first time I really felt any sense of pride about where I am from and who we are as a people. After the Olympics ended we won a whole bunch of other shit too. We also didn’t go into recession, live in Wolverhampton or have any riots that lasted longer than a day. The British deserve this. Probably a lot more than we did.

Wimbledon is a sea of Union Jack’s. The crowd seem to be more confident that their boy can get up against the same opponent who outclassed him less than a month ago. At the beginning of the third set Murray is up 6-2 6-1. Its an absolute bloodbath, The sun is shining and Great Britain no longer look like sad old rockers reliving past glories. They are vibrant, proud and looking forward to the future. It’s like Cool Britannia but with more energy and less cocaine.

Third set. 5-4. Murray has won the first point, Federer the second. Murray with an ace makes it 30-15. Holy shit! Another ace! 40-15! Can he do it? Can Andy Murray win a Gold Medal at the Olympics? He hasn’t won a grand slam title before. Just 28 days ago he lost to Federer in the Wimbledon final.

Ace. Against the odds, Andy Murray wins another gold for Team GB.

I am so happy there is a nation of people experiencing the sheer joy we had in 2000. In recent years the UK have been through some serious shit, both in the real world and in the realm of sport. London 2012 not only represents a period of great success in the sporting history of Great Britain but a turning point on how the rest of the world see this small yet prolific country.

I cant tell if Andy Murray is naturally a super relaxed guy or he is just completely overwhelmed by what he has just done that he has forgotten how to express emotion. One thing is for sure this has been one of the moments of London 2012 for me.

Now what to do for the 5 hours before Usain Bolt?