Yesterday I heard that Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickelback, Chad Kroger were engaged. A friend of mine tweeted that he hopes Chad beats the shit out of her when they get married. I was going to retweet but felt it would be inappropriate and wouldn’t send the right message to my legions of female fans. It got me thinking about how these two frightfully disgusting, Canadian, pieces of human garbage met, what they do together and what the chemistry is like between them.
I don’t really know much about either of them other than they make shit music, they are from Canada and they are famous. I haven’t heard much Nickelback but from what I have heard their songs are all about being sorry for giving Chad’s wife/girlfriend a hiding because she disrespected him. I haven’t heard an Avril Lavigne song in several years but while taking a shit a few months ago I read an interview with her in Rolling Stone. She may be, and I know this is a big call; the dullest entertainer this century has produced. She makes Reece Mastin look like Salvador Dali. Her interview was about how she got dumped by that chump from Sum 41 and how her new album is all acoustic or something. Apparently she likes cooking too.
So yeah I was thinking about how they met. They were probably in a VIP section at the Canadian Music Awards or something and they were sitting alone, surrounded by security guards. They got to talking about how hard it is being the most famous people Canada has ever produced. They are even more famous than Terrence AND Phillip put together. They are probably even more famous than the entire cast of Degrassi. Drake isn’t on their radar as he is (kinda) black and Avril and Chad are massive racists. Anyway they are at this party and they refuse to talk to anyone. Avril being a washed up groupie of the lowest order goes up to Chad and says ‘wooo Chad! Howareya? This place sucks don’t it?’ Chad, freshly shaven and fancying himself a bit goes ‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’ ‘It’s me! Avril!’ ‘Oh yeah, hey Avril. Things ain’t good. Everyone hates me. I’m an alcoholic, I beat up women and write songs about how shit I feel afterwards, my band are awful and I fall asleep to the sound of my own overtly masculine screams. But hey, I’m still famous.’ Avril replies; ‘hey that’s a damn shame Chad, at least you still got your fame. I haven’t had a song on the radio in like 8 years. Alanis Morrisette won’t even pick up my calls. I’ll tell you what though, I can still suck a front man’s dick like a champ, how about it hun?’
Anyway yada yada yada, now they are engaged. They will probably have kids too. They will call the kids Chad Jnr and Alanis and they will live in a big ol’ mansion in Hollywood where they will spit at the Mexican help while they make sweet love on their Canadian flag bed spread.
I hope Chad resists the temptation to beat her up. These two, although scum, are made for each other and a domestic violence incident may be a hindrance to a potentially beautiful union.
There is someone out there for everyone. Remember that people. If you are alone in the world like poor old Chad Kroger just know that your Avril is out there somewhere. She could be working at Donut King, maybe at KFC, but she’s out there.