Tagged: channel 9
CHANNEL 9. STILL THE ONE FEEDING YOU STEAMING PLATES OF HUMAN SHIT
What the fuck is wrong with people? In 2012 Channel 9 feels the need to make Big Brother and people watch it? Goddammit. They must be so fucking proud of themselves. ‘Oh great job guys! The ratings are through the roof!’ Fuck you and fuck your ratings. There was nobody in Australia going ‘Jeez I wish they still made Big Brother. That show was great.’ Didn’t fucking happen. They went and made it anyway and people are fucking watching it!
It’s all over twitter. A whole bunch of people talking about how lame the new season of Big Brother is. What the fuck were you expecting? It’s Big Brother. A show which hasn’t had any edge for a decade.
I guess you just wanted to see what the housemates were like. I haven’t even watched it but I could guess there are a few dumb girls who are kinda pretty, a dumb fat girl, a lesbian or gay guy, some kind of minority, a farmer, a yuppie and a dude with zany hair or piercings or both. Am I wrong? I bet I’m not.
I hate the fact Channel 9 seems to get away with doing this shit. I mean they obviously have an audience (white, stupid, potentially racist) but fuck. They produce nothing of worth anymore. Underbelly is their idea of a quality drama. Yeah, great job guys. I remember the season where Matthew Newton (!) was the star. They had a scene where he was at passport control at an airport where he was trying to smuggle heroin. It’s set in the 70s but old Girl Basher Newton pulls out a red British passport. If they had bothered to do maybe, ummm, five seconds of research then they would have known that British Passports were blue in the 70s. But who the fuck cares when your audience will just swallow whatever you ejaculate on a nightly basis.
I am semi curious about this show about Kerry Packer and the birth of one-day cricket. It’s an interesting story and I would love to see how they do it. I have a terrible feeling though, like everything else Channel 9 seem to make it will be factually incorrect, badly acted horseshit. Still at least they are doffing their dunce hat to their old boss Kerry. At least when Kerry was running shit Channel 9 had a soul. He used to care about what went on his TV Channel. Now the place is run by bean counters and venture capitalists who only care about profits. If costs can be cut they will cut them. This is why they are making Big Brother. It’s cheap. Underbelly probably costs a bit more to make than Big Brother but it still looks cheap. Every season of Underbelly except the first one reminds me of ‘high quality’ porn. Bits of plot and violence squeezed in between a pair of huge fake tits. It’s hardly The Sopranos. It’s not even The Bill.
Channel 9 do still have the Cricket and Rugby League, which is nice. They have to have something worth watching. I can’t imagine they will be able to hang onto those sports for much longer though. It’s not their style. They have already pissed all over Kerry Packers beloved station, I bet they end up selling his beloved cricket to Channel 7 just so they can afford to keep Karl Stephanovic and Michael Slater in cocaine and Hugo Boss for a few more years. The Cricket and Rugby League (and for the last fortnight, the Olympics) are the only reason why I would watch Channel 9. When they get hocked I imagine nobody except the dangerously germophobic, xenophobic and mentally ill will even know it still exists because they will NEVER get rid of A Current Affair.
Until then, enjoy Big Brother Australia. You’ve waited long enough..
OLYMPICS UPDATE (sad state of Australian sport)
I know that the Olympics have only been going for a few days but one thing is becoming pretty clear to me. Australian sport aint what it used to be.
At work tonight we had the (supremely shitty) Channel 9 Olympic coverage on. Channels 9 have decided to fuck off all the interesting contests and sports to just focus on what the Australians are doing. Tonight we got a little bit of swimming, some kayaking, a few minutes of boxing, a nice helping of water polo and a proper drenching in the diving pool. The once mighty Australia got beaten in everything except the water polo where last time I checked we were winning against the water polo powerhouse that is Kazakhstan. It was some shameful shit. Our boxing hopeful was some Ginger Meggs look alike who took an absolute hiding from some Cuban kid. We were completely outclassed in the pool and the diving was wicked embarrassing to watch. When did Mexico becoming a stronger diving nation than us? Why is this happening? *
*Note: I have no idea about the world of diving but as an Australian who grew up in the land of plenty where we ate what we wanted and won everything all the time, I feel we should be better at synchronized diving than a country who are in the grips of a civil war between the army and a bunch of drug cartels. Just saying. That being said, I have seen Fun In Acapulco with Elvis Presley a few times and it turns out Mexico has some of the finest al fresco divers in the world, so what the hell do I know?
What really shat me off about 9’s coverage of The Games of the Thirtieth Olympiad was how much time they have dedicated to fucking equestrian. Apparently Australia were doing okay in it so the good clueless folk down at Channel 9 thought they would dedicate hours upon hours of air time towards a sport only rich white cunts like. Prince William and his sweet thang were in the fucking audience! Its good to know where your priorities lie 9. I understand you are all a bunch of rich, white, racist evil pieces of shit but please just for one hour play us some fucking gymnastics because equestrian is fucking BORING.
I do want to give massive props to China who seem to have prepared well for the event. It’s great how all the years of manufacturing perfect specimen in secret labs in the Himalayas then grooming them to excel in one thing for the rest of their lives has paid off. Is that what we did with Shane Warne? I really hope we did.
Speaking of Warnie, we suck at cricket too now. And rugby. We have Mark Webber and Casey Stoner but they drive things so they don’t count. We don’t have shit for sporting heroes these days but these things come and go like an ovarian cycle or the sound of an ice cream truck on a summers day. We had it for too good for too long and now we are just like everyone else. Shithouse. Someone in this country either needs to start winning something or we need to start a war with someone. Either way it cant go on for too long, people are gonna start getting upset.
Oh just one other thing, Black Caviar is a fucking horse. For people to get excited over a horse is mega retarded. If you have instigated more than three conversations with people about Black Caviar you are either a problem gambler or a moron of such epic proportions you should probably never talk or operate any basic machinery ever again. Peace.
THE VOICE.
Tonight I went over to my Uncles house. His fiancée made a really amazing Indonesian meal. We drank nice wine and did shots of Patron. Really lovely night. I also did something tonight I had never done before. I watched The Voice.
It was the season finale and (uncle) Pete informed me that 70% of the TV watching nation would be watching this ‘landmark television event’. I had only ever seen this show on mute while at work and didn’t really have an opinion. From what I knew someone thought it would be a brilliant idea to dust off Delta Goodrem, fly out the revolting Seal and Joel Madden and for once give Keith Urban the opportunity to be the biggest sick cunt in the room.
Before I watched The Voice I really didn’t like any of these artists other than Seal who I have a bit more time for because of Crazy and Kiss From A Rose. I actually thought Delta Goodrem had died of cancer but then when I said this to someone they angrily told me she had survived. I never liked Good Charlotte as I’m not a mentally ill twelve-year-old girl from Albury-Wadonga. Keith Urban once ruined my day as I was rushing to get to work and Pitt St mall was closed off because he felt the need to perform a free show ‘for the kidz’ outside Westfield Centrepoint. I had to walk around the block which took an extra three minutes. Fuckhead.
So as we sit down to watch the show I learn there are four contestants who have been coached by these four douchebags. There is the token old guy with a kid who has always dreamt of Damien Leith-esque Superstardom. The suburban bimbo chick with the ‘cool’ hair who was teaching music to Primary School children but seems to have always dreamt of performing live to a room full of..um..Primary School children. The blind girl who they dress up as Shirley Temple for some sick reason while Delta steals the spotlight and finally the plain looking girl who has been to hell and back with a voice that can melt the average Aussies heart..Or something to that effect.
These four starry eyed singers had spent the last few months competing for the hearts and minds of the Australian public but there could only be one winner.
Of course before they announced the winner they all sang. They opened with a version of a song I actually really like. Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain. All four hopefuls on a stage fucking the original track like cocaine fucked Stevie Nicks original nasal septum. So much emotion but all of it seeming as real as a strippers fingernails. They then did duets with their coaches which would have been lovely had I had no taste and given a shit. There were video montages (of course) showing each contestants ‘journey’ from white trash to white trash with record deals. A whole bunch of other stuff which I forget because I was busy bonding with my family, then they announced the winners.
Fourth place went to the chick with the hair. Third place went to the poor little blind girl with the heart of gold. Second place went to the Dad who seemed to have a massive hard on for Keith Urban. The winner was the one with the generic soul voice who kept talking about the time she lived in the shelter.
Very touching.
What I don’t get though is how did this show become so popular? From watching the finale what I gather from it is that is a slightly tweaked version of every other TV talent show that has been made over the last decade. If this show could capture the hearts and minds of a nation we are in big fucking trouble. Greek style trouble. If 80% of the nation watched season 2 the Germans will be bailing us out in like three weeks from the premier. Scary stuff.
Now before you start calling me a prick for not falling in love with the evil blind girl or rooting for the old guy because he didn’t use a rubber please understand I am not used to watching this program or any programs like this. I live in a world where some of the most dedicated and talented musicians I know are lucky to get a gig at the metro supporting The Vines. I know people have been making this point since Pop Idol shows first started happening but how can something have so much emotion and absolutely no soul? It’s an amazing thing, yet the nation embraces it to the point that these chumps all make the charts with their crappy records.
So if you watched this season and you were entertained then that’s great. It’s your time to kick back and do what you want. But next year when it starts all over again maybe instead of watching this show (which I can officially certify as poison) maybe listen to one of your albums. Actually listen to Fleetwood Mac instead of these suburban gobshites butchering them. Life is better that way.
Oh and also whoever is dressing Seal is a funny bastard. He looks like an absolute clown yet carries on like its still 1993 and he can get his dick sucked in any room he walks into. Bravo! If you see me around introduce yourself and I’ll buy you a beer. Great job!
