When I was 15, me and my friend, lets call him Tim, were at a BBQ at a friends house in Marrickville. His folks were away so maybe ten of us were hanging out in his house and drinking and eating sausages on white bread with tomato sauce. I had a bottle of gin, which I probably stole off my Mum (sorry about that Mum). Tim and I decided to drink the entire bottle, shot for shot, until it was gone. We went out the back, sat down with a shot glass each and finished the bottle in twenty minutes.

 

Next thing I remember was laying in the park down the road in a pool of my own vomit. There were kids playing sport and people walking their dogs. It was about 4pm. Not cool.

 

Some of my mates are down there looking after me/laughing at me. One guy who turned up late, lets call him Mark, rocks up to the park and starts laughing at me. He then says ‘Hi Jasper’ . I didn’t like his tone or the fact I was being ridiculed for being in a park in broad daylight, laying in a pool of my own vomit. I was too fucked up to tell him so I picked up a scoop of vomit in my hand hurled it towards him.

 

Now that was the first and last time I ever did anything like that. Not only did I feel like shit when I woke up because I had drunk so much in such a short period of time with no practice, I also was appalled that I would throw vomit at a friend. The shame was quite awful. Knowing I was passed out in a public park on a Sunday afternoon laying in a pool of my own vomit was nothing in comparison. This was a lesson I needed to learn. Throwing vomit at a friend for laughing at you because you are a fucking idiot is not only mean and inconsiderate it’s also really gross because you wake up with vomit encrusted hands. Its foul. Don’t do it.

 

I have been horrifically drunk many times since then. I have even thrown up on occasion. But one thing is for sure, I have never gotten that drunk since I was 15.

 

People need to learn lessons through experience. If someone can’t learn their lessons when it comes to drinking then they shouldn’t be allowed to drink. Instead of showing you are over 18 with a drivers license you should show an alcohol license if you want to buy booze. Of course there are ways to get around it (get someone else to buy it for you being the most obvious) but it might end up solving a lot of problems.

 

In Australia we are treated like children when it comes to drinking and when people get treated like children they tend to act like them too.

 

Let people make their own mistakes and punish them when they do. Don’t semi-punish everyone first and then properly punish them when they actually do something wrong. It’s a bad attitude and it makes everyone behave like jerks.

 

But anyway enough about that, I have decided to make a list of the top 5 drinks you shouldn’t drink and why. This is based entirely on my experience so please don’t be offended if you like to, for example, go to a bar on a Friday night and order a nice warm pint of Black Sambuca. I get it, different strokes for different folks.

 

Anyway here it is. My gift to you. Thank me later..

 

1. Black Sambuca; One shot, regardless of how many drinks I have, will make me vomit. Absolute poison, don’t understand why anyone would drink it.
2. Jamiesons: It’s the only alcoholic beverage that genuinely makes me fighty. McNulty from The Wire drinks it and look at him.
3. Any kind of cheap, white tequila: Again this stuff makes me want to hurl. Patron is nice but I’m talking about that $25 a bottle shit. Well nasty. It feels like paint thinner inside your stomach.
4. Red Goon: I spent like 4 months drinking nothing but red goon. Pretty shitty time. Tastes like the devils diaper. I get myself into trouble when I drink the sweet stuff.
5. Jack Daniels and Coke: If I go out and drink JD and Coke all night I will wake up the next day with the worst hangover you can possibly get. The amount of sugar and whiskey involved makes you feel slightly perky at night but the next day you feel like you are going through chemo and you probably won’t survive. Nasty. Should be illegal.