I remember when I was a kid in the 90s growing up in Howard’s Australia. Shit was pretty normal I guess. Boring, yes. But normal. Summers were hot, winters were chilly, the telly was shit and Alan Jones was on it every morning at twenty past seven. In millions of homes around the country this hate-filled, sweaty toilet lurker had a soapbox in which to give his two cents on pretty much anything from foreigners to dole bludgers. For many people it was the first thing they heard when they woke up. A scary thought but obviously an important contributor to Howard staying in government for eleven and a half years. For many years Jones was a key player in the Tory propaganda machine. He had an audience who were still young enough to not seem senile and a government and TV network backing him to the hilt. For ‘Jonesy’ life was good.

 

I guess shit kinda changed..

 

With his recent comment about Julia Gillard’s father dying of shame, Alan Jones seems to have made a massive tit of himself and those who have been there to back him up in the past seem to be jumping ship. He isn’t the Orwellian colossus he was in the 90’s with seemingly only the elderly and mentally challenged still listening to him. Some of his sponsors seem to have had enough and have pulled out of any endorsement deals they have with him. Why wouldn’t they? Being associated with Alan Jones is a bad look. In my humble opinion being associated with Alan Jones is second only to being associated with Dennis Ferguson, Australia’s most hated paedophile. I’d rather Ivan Milat endorse my store than Alan Jones, at least the store wouldn’t be full of dirty backpackers.

 

The longevity of Jones’ message of conservative hatred is impressive. You would think after getting your cock out for a male undercover cop (and getting arrested for it) you wouldn’t get the chance to be Australian radio’s number one voice on decency and morality, but that’s how conservatives work. They hate gays if said gays are out and proud and happy but they tolerate them in positions of power if they are indulging in buggery with rent boys in secret locations like the back of Alan Jones’ Bentley or on top of Jones’ $65,000 glass top coffee table. Alan Jones is gay and everyone knows it but he has never come out, presumably because it would hurt his ratings with backwards, retarded Australia (ie his entire audience). He could probably give himself a little bit of public credibility if he came out and became a voice for LGBT rights in this country but, no, not his style. He will take his ‘secret’ to the grave because ultimately he prefers having power over the uneducated masses than being known as another name on the long list of homosexual conservative ex-talkback hosts. He had a voice when his LGBT brothers and sisters needed one and instead pushed an agenda of a political party who already had several other talkback hosts in their pocket. Great job!

 

His vendetta against the current government is nothing new. He didn’t like Rudd either and before that he couldn’t stand Keating (‘how dare there be a man in Sydney with more style than me!’) Alan Jones probably has some weird Freudian thing going on where he hates the fact that a woman is running the country and will make every cheap shot he can to bring her down. Hell, we all know people like that, right? They’re the people who don’t like Gillard because they ‘wouldn’t fuck her’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge fan of Julia Gillard. I still long for Kevin Rudd but I have to let that one go. Some guys just hate Gillard because she’s female. Jones is a closet homosexual who happens to be a right wing talk back radio host. He’s not the first.

 

It is this inability to get with the times that is killing Alan Jones. He could say and do whatever he wanted when Howard was in charge simply because, well, Howard was in charge. Howard’s Australia seems like an eternity ago. We were good at sport, ate Sunblest and gay marriage was a punch line rather than a serious political issue. Australia accepted Jones’s bullshit more back then but now he just seems like a gay version of Clint Eastwood in the first half hour of Gran Torino. He’s a relic of an Australia that doesn’t really exist anymore.

 

Whatever happens to Jones and his show only the future can tell but one thing is for sure, the dream is over. The media have shafted him now and the liberal party are going to have to follow suit sooner or later in order to at least seem in touch with the electorate.

 

I just hope that after his accidental death from auto-erotic asphyxiation he doesn’t get a state funeral. But let’s face it, he probably will.