Sailing…even that looks tasty right now. I’m so hungry. Its like that Olympic torch is a massive fucking cone piece burning the sweetest sensimilla into my gasping lungs.
I like how genuine and well spoken the sailors are. Australia just won gold. Three in two days. The English reporters are patronizing us. ‘I’m sure you will be on the front page of every paper in Australia tomorrow’. Oh please. Other things happen in Australia other than sailors winning medals. Just because you have a sweet Olympic team does not mean you can treat us like Tunisia. We beat you in everything a decade ago and we’ll do it again. Now fuck off.
Speaking of fuck off, how about Usain Bolt. He is fuck off fast isn’t he? I like the fact that Jamaican people are the fastest people in the world. Bolt is so good that I am scared if he does get this trial at Man U that he will end up being the greatest footballer of all time. He is the Kanye of athletics. I want to hate him but he is just too good.
One thing I did hear about Usain Bolt is that he has fifteen advisors. What the fuck does Usain Bolt need fifteen advisors for? I can see him having an agent, a manager, a few coaches, a media advisor, a couple of security guards, a few homies and some crumpet, but I don’t see what he needs fifteen advisors for.
There is far too much of a break between events in the Decathlon. Yeah I get they are the masters of Track & Field but there is no need for the break. They should do one thing after another. The break makes them look weak.
There is a melancholy to the Track and Field events at the Olympics. A melancholy which comes from the fact that the Track and Field not only represents the fastest and most skilled on a dry, outdoor surface, but the final week of the Olympic Games. It’s the business end of the season. It is the climax of the action movie. The volcano scene in You Only Live Twice. The penalty shootout at the end of England v Argentina at France 98. I need to get my fix before my dealer dies and turns into Underbelly. I don’t care what I watch. Water polo is okay with me. The more synchronized swimming the better. Field Hockey? It’ll have to do. Just give it to me. I’m a fiend yo. Give me that sugar.
When the Olympics end things are going to be more normal. Diving will be associated with depression and self-pity instead of grace and precision. Gold will represent a witty remark rather than a nation uniting achievement. Its how things are supposed to be.
Things are real silly at the moment but it’s going to be over soon. Either enjoy it while it lasts or shut the fuck up. This is the time for glory. Either link up or shut up. See you next week..
Tonight I went over to my Uncles house. His fiancée made a really amazing Indonesian meal. We drank nice wine and did shots of Patron. Really lovely night. I also did something tonight I had never done before. I watched The Voice.
It was the season finale and (uncle) Pete informed me that 70% of the TV watching nation would be watching this ‘landmark television event’. I had only ever seen this show on mute while at work and didn’t really have an opinion. From what I knew someone thought it would be a brilliant idea to dust off Delta Goodrem, fly out the revolting Seal and Joel Madden and for once give Keith Urban the opportunity to be the biggest sick cunt in the room.
Before I watched The Voice I really didn’t like any of these artists other than Seal who I have a bit more time for because of Crazy and Kiss From A Rose. I actually thought Delta Goodrem had died of cancer but then when I said this to someone they angrily told me she had survived. I never liked Good Charlotte as I’m not a mentally ill twelve-year-old girl from Albury-Wadonga. Keith Urban once ruined my day as I was rushing to get to work and Pitt St mall was closed off because he felt the need to perform a free show ‘for the kidz’ outside Westfield Centrepoint. I had to walk around the block which took an extra three minutes. Fuckhead.
So as we sit down to watch the show I learn there are four contestants who have been coached by these four douchebags. There is the token old guy with a kid who has always dreamt of Damien Leith-esque Superstardom. The suburban bimbo chick with the ‘cool’ hair who was teaching music to Primary School children but seems to have always dreamt of performing live to a room full of..um..Primary School children. The blind girl who they dress up as Shirley Temple for some sick reason while Delta steals the spotlight and finally the plain looking girl who has been to hell and back with a voice that can melt the average Aussies heart..Or something to that effect.
These four starry eyed singers had spent the last few months competing for the hearts and minds of the Australian public but there could only be one winner.
Of course before they announced the winner they all sang. They opened with a version of a song I actually really like. Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain. All four hopefuls on a stage fucking the original track like cocaine fucked Stevie Nicks original nasal septum. So much emotion but all of it seeming as real as a strippers fingernails. They then did duets with their coaches which would have been lovely had I had no taste and given a shit. There were video montages (of course) showing each contestants ‘journey’ from white trash to white trash with record deals. A whole bunch of other stuff which I forget because I was busy bonding with my family, then they announced the winners.
Fourth place went to the chick with the hair. Third place went to the poor little blind girl with the heart of gold. Second place went to the Dad who seemed to have a massive hard on for Keith Urban. The winner was the one with the generic soul voice who kept talking about the time she lived in the shelter.
What I don’t get though is how did this show become so popular? From watching the finale what I gather from it is that is a slightly tweaked version of every other TV talent show that has been made over the last decade. If this show could capture the hearts and minds of a nation we are in big fucking trouble. Greek style trouble. If 80% of the nation watched season 2 the Germans will be bailing us out in like three weeks from the premier. Scary stuff.
Now before you start calling me a prick for not falling in love with the evil blind girl or rooting for the old guy because he didn’t use a rubber please understand I am not used to watching this program or any programs like this. I live in a world where some of the most dedicated and talented musicians I know are lucky to get a gig at the metro supporting The Vines. I know people have been making this point since Pop Idol shows first started happening but how can something have so much emotion and absolutely no soul? It’s an amazing thing, yet the nation embraces it to the point that these chumps all make the charts with their crappy records.
So if you watched this season and you were entertained then that’s great. It’s your time to kick back and do what you want. But next year when it starts all over again maybe instead of watching this show (which I can officially certify as poison) maybe listen to one of your albums. Actually listen to Fleetwood Mac instead of these suburban gobshites butchering them. Life is better that way.
Oh and also whoever is dressing Seal is a funny bastard. He looks like an absolute clown yet carries on like its still 1993 and he can get his dick sucked in any room he walks into. Bravo! If you see me around introduce yourself and I’ll buy you a beer. Great job!